One of my absolute favourite things right now is watching my daughters want to hug my partner ‘good-morning’ or ‘good-night.’ My girls are 17 (x2) and 6. Since I adopted them 14 and 4 years ago I have parented as a single parent. They have never known a dad or had a relationship with any birth parents. In the weeks leading up to my coming out as gay my youngest (then 4) very randomly told me that she wanted to have two moms. I don’t know where it came from. We don’t have friends in our circle that have two moms, perhaps she had seen it on tv. None the less, when I asked her what I would call the other mom she said, “my queen.” She was right. A couple years went by and I met “my queen.” For Lenaya, having two moms was incredibly normal and something that she wanted in on. I also remember in the early days of Lenaya transitioning into being a part of our family that I listened in on the baby monitor while she went to sleep. She laid in her bed listing off her new world. At two years old she talked about how the house was brown, there were two dogs, she ate ravioli, and how there was no dad. In her foster home she had a foster mom and a foster dad. She knew there was a difference in her new family and she didn’t seem to mind.
If I look back to when I was her age, this wasn’t even a concept. Families in my context had a mom and a dad. Divorce was a taboo topic and accepting homosexuality was considered heretical. The closest I got in school to any topics around family differences was in about grade 10 when we learned about blended families. I do remember in my religious community emphasis being placed on the difficulties one would have if they were raised by to parents of the same sex. Like it was harming the child and that a child must be raised by both genders. Praise the Lord we have come a very long way since then!
If you find yourself introducing your children to a new partner who you hope to be helping you raise your children, or if you’ve been at it for a while and need some ideas… here are some helpful ideas you may want to consider…
1. Talk about the roles of a parent, that they are there to love and support their children. And that having two moms, or two dads can only mean they get more love and support.
2. Talk about family structure with your children. Say things like, “In our family we have two moms. Liam’s family has a mom and a dad. Bella’s family has two dads.” Normalizing the difference can help make that difference a non issue.
3. Vanquish the stereotypical roles of a mom and a dad. Demonstrating that both genders are able to perform the same tasks can help alleviate the feeling of loss. For example, if a child talks about wishing they had a dad to go fishing with, as a mom, go fishing with them. Sure, it might not be in your wheelhouse, but making the effort will mean more than your skill. And if the kid really wants to brush up on their fishing skills, find a friend (male or female) that can help out, and do it together.
4. Provide opportunities for the child to interact with other families with same-sex parents. This will help them to see that they aren’t the only kid around that has two moms or two dads.
5. If your child is struggling with the concept of having same-sex parents at all, seek support. There are loads of support groups (in person and online) where children can talk about what’s going on for them. Counseling can really help a child get out some of their feelings that they might not want to share with their parents. Don’t take it personally,
they love you and are afraid of hurting or offending you… even though it may not seem that way all the time. Resources are available everywhere. Take advantage of the work that has been done to help support our PRIDE community.
Normalize, normalize, normalize.
I can’t say it enough. Normalize the concept that families aren’t just made up of one mom and one dad anymore. Normalize the idea that a women can do anything that a man can do when it comes to parenting and the creating of a safe and loving family for children. Family is family, not gender.